Yesterday I was faced with every senior’s dream come true…
A pass/fail (hard) class with a final I can get a zero on and still pass. I can literally walk away. Unscathed. Scot free.
I rejoiced. I bragged to several people. I mentally told myself that I do not have to study at all for that final, giving me a completely free evening. I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that I had perhaps already taken my last Malmberg test.
I considered not even going to take the final. I entertained the idea of not studying. Both are opportunities I have only dreamt of having in my four years here. This does not happen in the OBU science department. Even if your grade is good enough, you dare not skip a final because you will undoubtedly have that same professor again next year and you do not want them to have a bad view of you. I’m telling you this so you realize how big of a deal this is.
So, here I was faced with this exact scenario.
Pretty quickly, I decided I would go take the final and just not study.
I sat idle for about 2 minutes. Then I picked up my book, got out my notes, and studied- hard- for about 6 hours.
I know. I was surprised as well.
I studied it while I ate snacks, I studied while I watched TV. Each time I got up to pee or get a drink, I picked it right back up without dreading an evening of studying. I did it because I wanted to.
Suddenly, when presented with the opportunity to either learn optional material or just sit and be ignorant, I decided to learn. Maybe I am frightened of being unprepared for a situation I have control over. Maybe I care more about what my professors think than I say I do. It could be many things. It is not, however, because I am an overachiever or a star student. I doubt I will even do that well on the exam.
It’s because whatever else I am or am not, I will not settle for less than the best of whatever I can do right now in the moment. I am a doer.
This is something my dad will tell me he knew was true all along.
But it’s revolutionary for me, going into medical school, afraid of already being burnt out on school. Now I know that however much I’m beaten down, however bad my confidence suffers, however much work I have to do, that I would still rather do the work than have nothing to do at all. I want to know all the things. And apparently I can’t rest until I know I’ve made progress in that endeavor.
Bring it on med school
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