2nd Year Rut

I wanted this blog to be real. Honest. No sugar coating it. Med school sucks sometimes. There I said it. Its three days into a new semester and I’ve already hit a wall so hard that I can’t even sleep. Usually when I don’t want to study, I can sleep, or at least binge watch something while simultaneously “candy crushing” until sleep finds me. Here I am, though- its 2 AM and I’m Facebook stalking pictures of myself while I was in college, feeling sorry for myself. Something is off. And it has been for a while. I feel happy each day. I wake up, I eat, I laugh, I study, I see my friends, I sleep. Even my family is always close by when I need them. But, after looking at my own pictures on my feed, I see I’m not even the girl I was a year ago. That girl was “pinch me” happy to be in medical school. That girl lived to go into school each day and learn. That girl was running everyday. She loved going out, even on weeknights- regardless of the sleep she’d lose- just to be with her new friends, gain the life experiences. I loved my first year of medical school. It changed my life in all aspects for the better. Shortly after first year started, an older gentleman in a restaurant overheard me using “first year” and “second year” terminology and leaned over and said “You must be in law school, using those words.” I smiled and proudly said, “No sir, I’m in medical school.” “My mistake,” he smiled, “Congratulations then.” My “thank you”...

Long Overdue!

Woah! I sorta fell off of social media unintentionally. Things got crazy the last month of the semester. But I have made it! We made it. I have finished my first semester of medical school. I had so much help and support. Seriously could not have made it without my classmates. We fought through so much information and talked and argued and learned so much together. I walked out of my last final and seriously did not know what to do. So I waited around for everyone else to finish. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to relish in the moment with those people who got me through. Compared to college where I had my bags packed to head home straight from my last test and didn’t look back; it’s quite a change. There’s so many feelings surrounding this semester, I don’t even know how to sum it up. I know what I sacrificed personally to make it, but I’m realizing the sacrifices my family has made as well as a result of my being in medical school. Most noticeably, I felt like I wasn’t as available to them. Not that any of my sisters or parents are dependent on me, but I was only able to talk on my schedule, my terms. And I heard the majority about everyone’s lives from bits and pieces talking to my mom. I know it required more effort on their part to stay in touch with me and all my conversations were word vomit about studying and the fast food, sleep deprived delirium I spent my last 5 months in....

Life Lately

I really do think about it as a past life sometimes. My life before 9 (what?!) weeks ago. It’s hard to describe to anyone not going through it, but I feel like a totally different person in some ways. I thought I was busy before, and most people in all walks of life would tell you that they are busy. Still, there’s a difference in not having enough time to do the things you want to do and not having enough time to do the things you NEED to do. Before medical school, I would pretty much agree with the statement “You have time for the things you make time for.” But now, I’m not sure. I ache to be able to run everyday. Believe me, I would make more time if I could. Some days, its just not feasible. More and more I find myself having to choose which “side” of myself to be “good to” that day. For example, this weekend I made time to be a good aunt- and sacrificed a big chunk of my weekend to hug and hold and celebrate little girls (who are not that little anymore 🙁 ). It was worth it, believe me. Last Thursday I shut the books, and ran and lifted weights instead of eating dinner. I just wish that I was able to do all the things I have to do properly, instead of cutting some things in half or out of each day entirely. I can’t explain to you how exhausting it is to come up with time savers and then carry them out each day so...

Worry

I worry about big things, like about the future. I worry about small things, like about not finishing all the summer reading I wanted. I worried when I was 9 and had no legitimate concerns. I worry now when every decision feels so pertinent. I worry about serious things like the environment. I worry about stupid things like having white teeth. I worry about my family. I worry for their health and happiness. I worry about about their worries. I worry about their sadness. I worry about their foot fungus. I worry about their flaky patches of skin. I worry about their backs, their diets, their sore throats. I worry about my sisters. I worry about depression returning, looming in the sky like a big thunderhead that just passed over us. I worry about my nieces. I worry for them because its so hard to be a girl. I worry because its so hard to grow up and grow up right. I worry because things go wrong. I worry for them because there are hurts I can’t hide from them. I worry that they will see my worry because I want them to know how blessed they are and I’m worried my worry will make them think otherwise. I worry about them when I start medical school. I worry that they’ll think I won’t have time for them. I worry about my friends. I worry that I’ll disappoint them. I worry that they won’t get everything they want for their lives. I worry about the hurt they will have to endure if they don’t. I worry about love. I...

Things Women Should Quit Doing

I posted this article on Facebook, and I read this one a while back. I don’t agree with all of them. Women need to apologize for some things just like everyone else. And, being assertive does not mean we can walk all over people to get what we want or be rude. I especially don’t think we should stop telling other people yes and stop telling ourselves no. I think as a whole, twenty-something-year-old women are becoming more and more selfish and self absorbed and should probably commit more to doing for others and less to “pampering” themselves. It didn’t escape my attention either that the first one, the buzz feed article, is sponsored by Pantene. Have you guys seen their new ad campaign? I like all the things it makes me feel. [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOjNcZvwjxI&w=560&h=315] I like female empowerment. It’s a big part of why I run. It makes me feel powerful. I’m not of the crazy feminist variety, but I think women can do a lot more than they are. For me, it’s not all about how many women are in Congress or even about how much women get paid. It’s about expecting more from women, setting women up to not be helpless. Then, it can carry over into women raising strong babies that aren’t helpless, dream big, and set their own standards according to what works best for them. Men have a part in this too. They’ll expect more from us women the more we expect of ourselves. The hope is that it will be less about who stays home with the kids or who makes more money in...

Back from Vacation, Planning Another One

We got back from our camping trip and had a lot of fun. Two things. 1/Everything takes forever with kids. 2/Kids make it more fun. The sun was hot, the water felt good, and I’m now more thankful for things like toilets, netflix, and chapstick always being close at hand. Those survival reality shows where you strand yourself out in the heat somewhere? Yeah, I wouldn’t make it a day without shade and chapstick. I had several halfway done projects at home waiting for an empty house (read: no crazy nieces running rampant around here)- so I was sort of preoccupied with getting back to my regular boring life of failed pinterest projects- when I got the following message and realized that my amazing Chicago road trip with Dani is like 5 days away. Woah. I don’t even know what it is in Chicago that I want to do!   I did some preliminary research and discovered that I probably should have started doing this months ago. For one thing, our hotel’s parking is $65. Another problem is that pretty quickly I read that driving/parking in downtown is pretty impossible. And…  dun dun dun… everything we are doing is in downtown. Our concert venue and hotel are in walking distance, but there ISN’T ANY WAY IN ANY WORLD THAT I WOULD PAY $65 TO PARK MY CAR. I found some parking apps that give places to park a bit cheaper, but I have no idea how their public transportation works (or if its safe or for poor people like it is here) so I’m sort of freaking. There are...